How to Play Fantasy Baseball - A Step by Step Guide

As someone who played fantasy baseball for a grand total of 1 year and who came in 14th place I truly believe I am qualified to teach other people how to play fantasy baseball...the right way.

In order for you to succeed you must follow my steps.

Step 1:

Come up with a clever name. My name was Smoak on the Water, and my tagline was Fiers in the sky. I love puns. Half the fun of a fantasy league is coming up with your fantasy name. 

Step 2:

Don't prepare at all. Write down maybe one player you really like even if they aren't starters or have a dismal batting average. For example, I drafted Danny Espinosa #1 overall because he is #1 in my heart and I had a paranoid thought that he'd be taken. It is always the best plan of action to pick your favorite player first in order to secure them.

Step 3:

Sign into the draft a half hour early and talk trash. You know you're better than all the others, so make sure they do too. Be sure to let them know that you intend to wipe the floor with them.

Step 4:

Draft just by picking your favorite players only and insulting anyone who laughs at you. What do they know anyway?

Step 5:

Obsess over your fantasy team for half a month until you realize there's literally nothing to do. Finish in #14th.

Congratulations.

Oh, if you actually want to win I can't help with that. I don't know how to win.

O Come All Ye Faithful

Hey guys. I have returned to this blog.

It is 2014 and the Nats are 6-2. They literally just beat Miami and I felt like writing a post. I really don't have any ideas for a post, I just wanted to get back into it. Let's see what Twitter thinks the Nats will do this season.

Classic. But a tiny part of me agrees. This team has a fire ignited underneath it again. In 2012, the Cardinals peed in their Wheaties and it took a while to get the old vim and vigor back...could this be the year?

In a similar vein but not as far down the playoff line:

I don't want it to come down to a wildcard, but if that happens, so be it, and boy, that would be an exciting series.

I like the caution, Jeff. So we don't put too much pressure on them. Good answer. I put you in the blog.

Sadly somewhat true. It seems like the superstars of 2012 underperformed in 2013. Gonzalez appeared very strong in his last outing on April 8 and hopefully Strasburg will soon follow suit. (By the way, *Strasburg)

Here's a good point in response to that:

That sounds good to me.

That's just wrong. That's cruel. How dare you? How daaare you? Say that to my face. Say it to my face. (Runs away crying)

The point of this blog post is for me to find talking points and to get interest in my blog again. Please follow all these nice people on Twitter if you can, and tweet me @NatsGirl19. Send me your ideas for future posts or give me something to talk about. Thanks for reading and thanks to the Twitter users who sent me input.

Local girl gets into fight with countless other fans over backpack

A young local girl started a fight over a Danny Espinosa jersey backpack, claiming she deserved it more. Reports of her eyes turning into red balls of fire and claws extending from her nails. All fans in attendance are currently being hospitalized. Several are in critical condition. Local girl placed in mental rehab center. Local girl currently unconscious, but occasionally murmurs "Dan-ny..." in a soft, innocent voice. Despite her condition, she has been known to clutch her heart fervently. Girl's parents have requested a visit from Espinosa, who accepted hesitantly. Rumor has it girl awoke from her coma immediately after being touched on the hand by the ball player. Sources are now saying the girl had to be sedated shortly after awakening after furiously trying to make out with Espinosa. We're told Espinosa has decided against a restraining order, as the girl was heavily medicated and delirious. Shortly after accepting the parents' apology, Epsinosa proceeded on a hot streak and was immediately called up by Washington. It is said the girl has a golden touch. Thousands of players are requesting to hold her hand. Parents accepted each request for a price, though they turned away Freddie Freeman when he requested. Freeman was, quote, 'Too much of a butter face' to hold the holy hand. Freeman,disappointed, proceeded to go 2-25 over the next few games, furthering the beliefs of the girl's powers. Alex Rodriguez spotted outside girl's hospital room - reports of his number written on a ball and a visit from Chris Hansen. Knowledge of the girl's mysterious powers spread far and wide, soon attracting the attention of world leaders. Little is known about how the girl's power will progress. More information will be added as this story develops.

A strange article made up by a Twitter friend and I.

Kicked Puppies

Sports fans are like kicked puppies. Our masters are our favorite teams, and no matter how hard we get kicked, we come back, hoping to recieve love back, and when we don't, we still come whimpering home. Game 5 was a particularly painful kick in the tail, yet, I've been to several more games this year. So what gives? Why are we so emotionally captivated by sports teams? I don't know. No one does. What I do know is that we are all addicts and we have a common drug: baseball. 

I personally have invested so much emotion into this game and this team. I love baseball but it's just not fun to watch when the team you love is playing poorly. All I can do is put my tail between my legs and go home. But maybe, just maybe, the Nationals can turn it around and still have a winning record. There's always hope, right?

"Give the ball to a kid!" Yeah, no.

Call me stingy or rude. But if I catch a ball, I'm keeping it. If there isn't a child around who was actively pursuing the ball, I will not just give up the ball I snagged. 

I cannot stand when people say "Give it to a child!" to any person who gets a ball. Sure, if they wrestle it away or jump in front of a kid to get a ball, they should be booed for it. But if a person gets the ball and isn't around a kid who was after it, or didn't snatch it away from one, he should keep it. That ball is now rightfully his. The kids can understand "Hey, that man caught the ball, and I didn't. Guess I'll try again." BECAUSE KIDS DON'T CARE THAT MUCH. I have never missed a foul ball and been so upset about it that it warrants forcing someone to give it to me. I have always understood that if you get the ball, you can keep it. 

Where did this "give it to a kid" thing start? Suppose the person who catches it has a child at home who would like a ball? Why do we have to harass people into giving the ball away? It's such a wonderful souvenir, don't take that from them!

Please. Don't boo the foul ball catchers into giving away a ball. Let them have it. But by all means, boo the ones who push children out of the way to get the ball. Those people suck.

Danny's Gone

I would try to be serious on this post but for now I'll try to express myself in the most exact terms:

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

There, I'm okay. Sort of.

Danny Espinosa has been sent to AAA Syracuse, which is not a bad move at all. He's just gotta figure out his swing, get more comfortable, and he'll turn back into the Espinosa that caught my attention in 2010. 

I will always support Espinosa, no matter what happens.

But hear this.

If he is ever traded, you might want to put me on suicide watch.

Uncharted Territory/Nats Win

I had been traveling in these woods for so long. Occassionally the crack of a bat startled me, or a baseball came flying at my head, and I would be distracted. Disappointment was often felt, and I left the thicket thirsty for something better.

Then came the day. The day I'd finally escape that terrible wood, and enter the world of happiness and freedom. A territory known as Winning. Previously uncharted, no one knew exactly what was there.

There were many bat cracks that day, balls flying everywhere. I did my best not to get hit, but the offense was alive. When the smoke had cleared, I emerged from my hiding place to see my forest had been opened. I was free.

Because today, the Nationals won, 7-0. 

Enjoy your half off pizza.