Local girl gets into fight with countless other fans over backpack

A young local girl started a fight over a Danny Espinosa jersey backpack, claiming she deserved it more. Reports of her eyes turning into red balls of fire and claws extending from her nails. All fans in attendance are currently being hospitalized. Several are in critical condition. Local girl placed in mental rehab center. Local girl currently unconscious, but occasionally murmurs "Dan-ny..." in a soft, innocent voice. Despite her condition, she has been known to clutch her heart fervently. Girl's parents have requested a visit from Espinosa, who accepted hesitantly. Rumor has it girl awoke from her coma immediately after being touched on the hand by the ball player. Sources are now saying the girl had to be sedated shortly after awakening after furiously trying to make out with Espinosa. We're told Espinosa has decided against a restraining order, as the girl was heavily medicated and delirious. Shortly after accepting the parents' apology, Epsinosa proceeded on a hot streak and was immediately called up by Washington. It is said the girl has a golden touch. Thousands of players are requesting to hold her hand. Parents accepted each request for a price, though they turned away Freddie Freeman when he requested. Freeman was, quote, 'Too much of a butter face' to hold the holy hand. Freeman,disappointed, proceeded to go 2-25 over the next few games, furthering the beliefs of the girl's powers. Alex Rodriguez spotted outside girl's hospital room - reports of his number written on a ball and a visit from Chris Hansen. Knowledge of the girl's mysterious powers spread far and wide, soon attracting the attention of world leaders. Little is known about how the girl's power will progress. More information will be added as this story develops.

A strange article made up by a Twitter friend and I.